2015...woooow.

So here we are. I canNOT believe it's already 4 days into 2015. Where the bloody hell (so not British but it fit) does the time go? On the 26th of this month I will be 45 ripe years of age...God willing. Lawd, I said that the other day and almost fainted. But I'm good. I'm breathing, I'm not deathly ill, I'm learning things (and retaining ha!) daily and I have plans. I have things I want to do and I will tackle them one by one. First on that list is this body. I caught a glimpse of my belly the other day and stood there for a cool 5 min. wondering who the hell was living in there. It's horrible but it's mine and I did it and I take full responsibility. I also will take full responsibility for getting this body in shape. I'm quite excited. I no longer have any excuses and I understand, and possess, every single one of the tools to get  the body I want and so desperately need. Not even gonna harp on what I'm doing. I'll share as i go along. Time to shut up and show up. That's it.
20015 is my year. I am lining myself up for miracles and all the awesomeness I'm working towards. I will get there without compromising myself in anyway...what you see is what you get and I'm way too old to apologize. : p This ride is gonna be crazy awesome...stay tuned.

What I will NOT do!

Hell naw. The forties are tearing me a new one and I'm so not appreciating it. I swear every week is something new. This week it's bursitis...bur-frickin-sitis. Wth is that you ask? Well, let me tell you. It's this huge scary bump that appeared, literally, out of nowhere. I was chilling all day Sunday because of the sore on the roof of my mouth, that also, appeared out of nowhere. It was making it almost impossible to swallow without wincing in pain. So I'm laying there and I feel something at my elbow. A big bump, the size of a Willy Wonka dinosaur egg, was just there. Why??? What??? Cancer??? I wanted to cry. So far the 40's have brought on high blood pressure, eczema (that is spreading like wildfire btw), foot pain, and now bursitis. The cause is simple. The Dr. asked if I hurt my elbow, I told him a few days prior to the bump my elbow was hurting. But it went away after the bump. He nodded, yes, bursitis. So between the bone and joint there's a sac called the bursa. Mine filled with fluid because it was irritated and pushed out of the joint and continued to fill up and get infected. So now I'm on horse pill sized antibiotics for 10 days. So I read up on bursitis and realized that all my days of pushing off on my elbow while getting out of my tiny Pontiac Sunfire were over. My poor joints can't take it. Really? This is getting old?? I can't see that. No. I will not give in, roll over and let things just happen to me. I will get in the best shape of my life and laugh at deterioration. I want to spend the rest of my days even better than the first half.

Middle age Smiddle Age

Sooooo...I realized, just the other day, that on my birthday in January I will be turning 45 yrs. of age. 4...5....45...yup. Sigh. Not sure how the hell that happened and I know I should be happy because I'm alive and all that but I swear all I feel is disbelief. I am beyond middle aged. Seriously, how many 90 yr. olds do you hanging around? How and when did this happen? I'm still trying to land my dream job! I still haven't fully let go of the possibility of children. 45?
It's crazy how much I have let just pass on by while I fixate on attaining the next thing, whatever that might be. It's always something though..."When I get this, When I do this, When I lose this..." On and on...I should be exhausted. I've been comparing myself to others lately and it's not a good look; super depressing. Meanwhile, my awesome life is flying by at an alarming speed. Trust me, I know how lucky, blessed, fortunate I am but that doesn't stop the inner chatter from blaring in my head. The same chatter that talks me out of greatness before I even start. Instead of spending time thinking about what I'm lacking I need to spend that time loving on myself and appreciating every single blessing before me.
...pity party over.  Lawd! Sometimes you just need to vent. Life is crazy, at the very least! I love it though and trust and believe, it is never too late. I have always been a late bloomer and I embrace it. I'm not dead so I can still do whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. Boom.

The Low of the carbage...

Soooooo, I’m hopping on the low carb train tomorrow…so excited!!!!!! Yessss, I’ve done it before. But I quit. I’m starting again and I know a little more stuff. Hopefully stuff that can help me in the long run. I’m ready for this and I’m looking forward to the fruit of my spoils. Wait…was that the right use of that phrase? Ahhh well, it’s my post and I’ll take it. I’m really excited about this journey. Enough is enough.

I am going to get off of all these old people pills I’m on and save my damn self. I need to have my own damn back…haven’t done that yet. And I have my nerve to get mad at my husband for not ….fill in the blank. But i haven’t been able to count on my damn self. No bueno. The good thing about the 40’s is that you have learned (hopefully) some shit and don’t give a shit about what the other person thinks…it’s my journey. Suck it. I love me and I love God and He loves me and He is waiting on me to stand on His promises and act like I’m the fruit of His loins. Yes, God! I’m sorry I’ve been slow in realizing that I am the shit. I thank you for all my blessings and talents you have given to me. I pray I shine like only your daughter can. Boom!

fuck my lower belly

Seriously...I have no kids. I was never over 300# and then lost the weight to have my loose skin droop below my waist. I don't have a watermelon sized ulcer. I don't any of those things. Yet...my lower belly sits there mocking me everyday. Oh look at your profile in the mirror; you look like a Russet potato. Oh look, you could get those jeans in that smaller size but where would I fit? Oh look, from the front you look like you have an ass up here too! Fuck that bitch! I must do work. My belly is so present she has a name. I call her...that bitch there.
That bitch there needs to get out of my life. Move on to smaller pastures and find your forever home far, far, away. I've been with her for some years now and she gets more unpleasant with age. I haven't seen my coochie in years. If I wasn't married I wouldn't know if it was still there. I want to see my full frontal cooch again...time to put in work.

The weekend...

What is it about the weekend that makes me forget that I'm on a weight loss journey that has no off days? Friday comes and all I want to do is get the party started and pick up the pieces come Sunday. Yeah...no. I was laying here in bed catching up on my IG and people are posting pics of themselves at the gym, at 5ks, taking a hike, preparing healthy breakfasts and I'm like damn....on a Sat.? Yes! On a Sat. I'm gonna get there...like soon. I'm no longer swooning and coveting other peoples bodies I'm excited about creating my own. Looking forward to seeing my fine self. : p
Yesterday I pulled on a pair of pants that I wear all the time and they were swimming on me. I immediately looked down to see if I grabbed the wrong ones but nope...they were mine and they were  loose. Yes, Lawd! Though my workouts have waned, I've been eating 5-6x a day to keep my metabolism up. I've been adding my supplements to my smoothies and upping my water. It seems my body is positively responding to the regimen. Feels so good!
Now with all that said, why in the hell would I wreck it on the weekend? Ahhhh....got it.  Work in progress...

So this is the 40's...

So I'm 44 yrs. of age. I said that out loud the other day and my knees literally buckled. How in the hell did I arrive at middle age without me noticing? Wait, ever since I have crossed into the forties I have become fully aware of my age. It's not pretty. Every morning is a new pain followed by the fleeting thought I must have cancer. Every doctors visit seems closer and closer and they all seem to have disheartening news. Every phone call I get I'm praying that there is no bad news coming from the other end. Good Lord...is this what it's gonna be like now? 

It's crazy because  I have never felt nor looked my age so I never really thought about it. I always took care of my skin but my health...not so much. So last year when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure it really shook me up. That same year my Gynecologist said that kids were probably not an option without the help of a fertility Dr. I lost My uncle, my aunt and my cousin all within months of each other. Banner year. 

So to answer my previous question...I still have hope. I have so much hope that I'm starting over and finally using some of this knowledge that I have. This time, I'm gonna use it for good. I'm going to save myself from myself. I have listened to that inner voice of mine for too long. The bitch is wrong and strong! She is a feisty thing and talks me in/out of things like it's the truth. Well now I know enough to realize that I need to trust the process and just do it. And that goes for other things in my life, not just this road to health. 

I will not subject my body to this high bp medicine for the rest of my life. It is poison! It has changed my body from the inside out and I'm so not down with that. I'm going to snatch back my health, the natural way. Hubby is on board too which helps. Team Williams in full effect! I don't care if it's hard, it will be done.