Holy crap, I’m gonna be the worst mother ever. That is iF sweet baby Jesus asks his dad and he says it’s cool for me and hubby to procreate. And let me tell you…it would be a miracle. I say this because I spoke to my one and only recycling egg and she told me “Look, bitch, we’re not getting any younger. I’m getting tired and y’all are getting on my last damn nerve. Do you want kids or not?” Ummmmm, yeah. I mean yeah? I mean hell yeah?! No, I don’t. I mean I do some of the time but I look at parents and see the exhaustion in their eyes and think “Sheeeeitttt. I’m good.” But then later I look again and see the unabashed joy when little one does something goofy that only a parent or relative would think is amazing and I wonder what it would be like. I watch my husband with his nieces and nephews and swoon with love at his patience and strength and all around good uncle-ness and know with all my heart that I want to have his child. Right now! But wait…I’m 41. Have you heard the statistics? I know of 2 women whose lives will never be the same after having a child after 40. One is no longer with us. Do I really want to do this? Again, I have no idea. I like kids when they are about 8 or so. They can have a civil convo and they are generally entertaining. I don’t have to watch their every move and am pretty sure that they won’t do something unpredictable and bad for their well being that would alert CPS to come running. I could see it now. “Mrs. Williams, Hi, I’m Joan Patton from CPS and I’m here to investigate the call that your very own child made to us just days ago.” Shit. That’s a lot of work. I don’t have the time or the want to follow a little human around as he totally disobeys me and embarrasses the shit out of me while I wear a facial expression that says “Oh, that’s my little comedian. He’s just showing off; he never acts like this at home.” And then the horrified witnesses would give me either an it’sokayihaveone justlikeitathome or a didyouhavetobringthatwithyou look. Either way, not cute. Kids suck on a broad level. They don’t listen, they’re needy and they suck the life out of you. Who would want that?!? A whole bunch of people. They ask me if I have kids and try to mask their shock as I answer no. Is it because they can’t believe I would be this fat without having kids? Or is it the general disbelief that a woman who has gone through countless amounts of tampons from monthly visits from baby preparedness and many years of playing house with baby dolls that suckle and cry would actually choose not to have a child???? Ummmm, yeah! I like that I don’t look my age. I like that I’m only exhausted because my husband and I chose to watch some BS on cable and go to bed at 4 in the a.m. I like that I can spend money freely for last minute trips or some more MAC makeup that I may or may not use. I can do that. But kids…kids!!!!!
I love my God children, I love my nieces and nephews, but they all scare me a little. They look at me like they know that I have no idea what I’m doing, so right. I don’t. What is that cry for? What pacifier goes with that scream? Yeah, no. Not for me. I let all the baby lovers hold the kids. “Hey, Simone! Do you want to hold her?” Horrified look from me, “Hell no!” So, like I said, a child would be a miracle and if it happens I’ll be happy because I know that God put some thought into it and thought it would be a good idea because I swear if it was left to me I would have 863 dogs, maybe a cat if hubby gave in and maybe a few hamsters to round it out. Kids schmids…unless someone says something different.
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