Middle age Smiddle Age

Sooooo...I realized, just the other day, that on my birthday in January I will be turning 45 yrs. of age. 4...5....45...yup. Sigh. Not sure how the hell that happened and I know I should be happy because I'm alive and all that but I swear all I feel is disbelief. I am beyond middle aged. Seriously, how many 90 yr. olds do you hanging around? How and when did this happen? I'm still trying to land my dream job! I still haven't fully let go of the possibility of children. 45?
It's crazy how much I have let just pass on by while I fixate on attaining the next thing, whatever that might be. It's always something though..."When I get this, When I do this, When I lose this..." On and on...I should be exhausted. I've been comparing myself to others lately and it's not a good look; super depressing. Meanwhile, my awesome life is flying by at an alarming speed. Trust me, I know how lucky, blessed, fortunate I am but that doesn't stop the inner chatter from blaring in my head. The same chatter that talks me out of greatness before I even start. Instead of spending time thinking about what I'm lacking I need to spend that time loving on myself and appreciating every single blessing before me.
...pity party over.  Lawd! Sometimes you just need to vent. Life is crazy, at the very least! I love it though and trust and believe, it is never too late. I have always been a late bloomer and I embrace it. I'm not dead so I can still do whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. Boom.

The Low of the carbage...

Soooooo, I’m hopping on the low carb train tomorrow…so excited!!!!!! Yessss, I’ve done it before. But I quit. I’m starting again and I know a little more stuff. Hopefully stuff that can help me in the long run. I’m ready for this and I’m looking forward to the fruit of my spoils. Wait…was that the right use of that phrase? Ahhh well, it’s my post and I’ll take it. I’m really excited about this journey. Enough is enough.

I am going to get off of all these old people pills I’m on and save my damn self. I need to have my own damn back…haven’t done that yet. And I have my nerve to get mad at my husband for not ….fill in the blank. But i haven’t been able to count on my damn self. No bueno. The good thing about the 40’s is that you have learned (hopefully) some shit and don’t give a shit about what the other person thinks…it’s my journey. Suck it. I love me and I love God and He loves me and He is waiting on me to stand on His promises and act like I’m the fruit of His loins. Yes, God! I’m sorry I’ve been slow in realizing that I am the shit. I thank you for all my blessings and talents you have given to me. I pray I shine like only your daughter can. Boom!

fuck my lower belly

Seriously...I have no kids. I was never over 300# and then lost the weight to have my loose skin droop below my waist. I don't have a watermelon sized ulcer. I don't any of those things. Yet...my lower belly sits there mocking me everyday. Oh look at your profile in the mirror; you look like a Russet potato. Oh look, you could get those jeans in that smaller size but where would I fit? Oh look, from the front you look like you have an ass up here too! Fuck that bitch! I must do work. My belly is so present she has a name. I call her...that bitch there.
That bitch there needs to get out of my life. Move on to smaller pastures and find your forever home far, far, away. I've been with her for some years now and she gets more unpleasant with age. I haven't seen my coochie in years. If I wasn't married I wouldn't know if it was still there. I want to see my full frontal cooch again...time to put in work.

The weekend...

What is it about the weekend that makes me forget that I'm on a weight loss journey that has no off days? Friday comes and all I want to do is get the party started and pick up the pieces come Sunday. Yeah...no. I was laying here in bed catching up on my IG and people are posting pics of themselves at the gym, at 5ks, taking a hike, preparing healthy breakfasts and I'm like damn....on a Sat.? Yes! On a Sat. I'm gonna get there...like soon. I'm no longer swooning and coveting other peoples bodies I'm excited about creating my own. Looking forward to seeing my fine self. : p
Yesterday I pulled on a pair of pants that I wear all the time and they were swimming on me. I immediately looked down to see if I grabbed the wrong ones but nope...they were mine and they were  loose. Yes, Lawd! Though my workouts have waned, I've been eating 5-6x a day to keep my metabolism up. I've been adding my supplements to my smoothies and upping my water. It seems my body is positively responding to the regimen. Feels so good!
Now with all that said, why in the hell would I wreck it on the weekend? Ahhhh....got it.  Work in progress...

So this is the 40's...

So I'm 44 yrs. of age. I said that out loud the other day and my knees literally buckled. How in the hell did I arrive at middle age without me noticing? Wait, ever since I have crossed into the forties I have become fully aware of my age. It's not pretty. Every morning is a new pain followed by the fleeting thought I must have cancer. Every doctors visit seems closer and closer and they all seem to have disheartening news. Every phone call I get I'm praying that there is no bad news coming from the other end. Good Lord...is this what it's gonna be like now? 

It's crazy because  I have never felt nor looked my age so I never really thought about it. I always took care of my skin but my health...not so much. So last year when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure it really shook me up. That same year my Gynecologist said that kids were probably not an option without the help of a fertility Dr. I lost My uncle, my aunt and my cousin all within months of each other. Banner year. 

So to answer my previous question...I still have hope. I have so much hope that I'm starting over and finally using some of this knowledge that I have. This time, I'm gonna use it for good. I'm going to save myself from myself. I have listened to that inner voice of mine for too long. The bitch is wrong and strong! She is a feisty thing and talks me in/out of things like it's the truth. Well now I know enough to realize that I need to trust the process and just do it. And that goes for other things in my life, not just this road to health. 

I will not subject my body to this high bp medicine for the rest of my life. It is poison! It has changed my body from the inside out and I'm so not down with that. I'm going to snatch back my health, the natural way. Hubby is on board too which helps. Team Williams in full effect! I don't care if it's hard, it will be done. 

Men, women, venus and ish.

Oh, men. When oh when oh when will you realize the complex creatures that we women are? I don't think it's possible really. Actually, strike that, we seem to come to some kind of impasse when you start getting discounts to the movies, special menus at IHOP and designated shopping days at Ross: dress for Less...in other words, your senior yrs. Why does it take so dam long?! Why do y'all turn into these amazing, understanding, participating, pro-active partners when we all have gray hair on our toes? You couldn't give in earlier? We did! We gave in when you smiled at us across the gym in your basketball uniform, we gave in when you sat at our table in the library pretending to read for pleasure and not for a grade, we gave in to you when you listened to us whine about our mothers and how impossible it was to live with them, we gave in...at hello. We always have.
With wild abandon we gave ourselves to you and imagined doves flying in blue skies and some cute boys choir standing in a store front window w/crisp white shirts and black dress pants singing soprano before they realized that puberty would make that so not cool. But they sound like angels right now...and we appreciate it. We could see ourselves with you forever. But you can only see yourself w/us tonight. Yikes. Therein lies the problem. God is a comedian. And we are doomed.
Doomed. What happens is we split and the woman usually goes out and lays dormant and depressed for some months while listening to a bunch of slow, lesbian, hippy, Christian, music that makes us get out of bed and take a shower at some point because we are pissed and finally feel empowered to go out there and catch the attention of someone (usually a man) that can validate how awesome we think we really are. We could find out how awesome we are on our own but that involves not shaving for months and cutting our hair. Boo. And eww. 
Relationships, as great as they are, suck just as much. All you happy newcomers enjoy it now because that will fade and real life will kick you in your face and you will have to put your big girl panties on and get on with it. It's your choice. We are all different and beautiful in our own messed up way and we find each other and fall in...something. If it's worth it, we will put in the work and make it to the promised land! IHOP! 

I do.

You know, life is crazy. It comes from all directions and it doesn't stop. I can barely handle the fact that it's 2012 which makes me every bit of 42 yrs. #@$%^U*&^%$ but not only that but where the hell did July go???? Was it just not the 4th of July? I was so happy for everyone taking the week off. The traffic was light and spirits were high but here we are; it's already the 21st and you might as well put July to bed...it's done. So I said all of that to say that life is short and the things that royally piss us off on a daily basis really shouldn't if you look at the big picture. Think about all the monumental things that could have happened. Go ahead, I'll give you a sec. Feeling bad yet? I do. I should be ashamed of myself. 
But it's not entirely my fault. Come Aug. 7 I will have been married for 7 yrs. to the beautiful, and manly, Mr. James Williams. We were married for 8 glorious months before we decided that overseas work for James would be the way to go. : / It was such an opportunity and blah blah blizzle. Then he left. I thought I would die. I remember walking through our quaint 863 sq. ft. apt. like someone killed my dog right in front of me. It wasn't pretty. I could not believe that we prayed for this. I was so sad! I missed my poodle. For days and days I pouted. But by the time the first check got deposited into our acct...I was good. I was really good. You mean I just have to clean up after myself? You mean I can eat cereal for a wk.? You mean I can watch all the reality tv I want w/o being judged? I'm cutting my hair!!!!! (I still miss that Mohawk. sigh.) In other words, I became accustomed. And then after a couple of yrs., he came home. And stayed. Yaaaaay! Ummmm, can you pick up your shoes? Can you clean the bathroom? Do you have any idea when this bill is due? Hell no! This is marriage!? I was thrown for a loop and I was beside myself. 
So then he went back overseas and this pattern has been going on since we have been married. This last time he left for Afghanistan and it was different. We both were not prepared for the separation and we surely didn't want it but our savings was dwindling and no one was calling for interviews anymore. My job surely couldn't hold it down and we, again, decided that overseas it would have to be. Frickin' boo. 
We just got used to being a married couple. We had the house and the yard and the dog and the bills...it was great. Even though I could do w/o the side of his bed looking like "who did it and why?" I  would have loved for him to do the yard like our yard guys would. I wouldn't mind him scheduling the monthly bills to go out. And then he left...again. This time was really hard. Reallly hard. Enough was enough. Our marriage, our spirits couldn't take it anymore. He came home for R&R at the end of May, had an interview the very next day...nailed it. He got the job and has been home for 2 months now. He's back and we will never again take each other for granted. I am so happy I can barely contain it. Yes, we are an old married couple and I love it. The weekends have been used for DIY house projects and whatever the hell else we feel like doing, all is well with the world! Date nights have been reinstated, simply put, I have my best friend back. I love being married and I love the ugliness and awkwardness because when it's pretty it's so dam pretty.