2015...woooow.

So here we are. I canNOT believe it's already 4 days into 2015. Where the bloody hell (so not British but it fit) does the time go? On the 26th of this month I will be 45 ripe years of age...God willing. Lawd, I said that the other day and almost fainted. But I'm good. I'm breathing, I'm not deathly ill, I'm learning things (and retaining ha!) daily and I have plans. I have things I want to do and I will tackle them one by one. First on that list is this body. I caught a glimpse of my belly the other day and stood there for a cool 5 min. wondering who the hell was living in there. It's horrible but it's mine and I did it and I take full responsibility. I also will take full responsibility for getting this body in shape. I'm quite excited. I no longer have any excuses and I understand, and possess, every single one of the tools to get  the body I want and so desperately need. Not even gonna harp on what I'm doing. I'll share as i go along. Time to shut up and show up. That's it.
20015 is my year. I am lining myself up for miracles and all the awesomeness I'm working towards. I will get there without compromising myself in anyway...what you see is what you get and I'm way too old to apologize. : p This ride is gonna be crazy awesome...stay tuned.

What I will NOT do!

Hell naw. The forties are tearing me a new one and I'm so not appreciating it. I swear every week is something new. This week it's bursitis...bur-frickin-sitis. Wth is that you ask? Well, let me tell you. It's this huge scary bump that appeared, literally, out of nowhere. I was chilling all day Sunday because of the sore on the roof of my mouth, that also, appeared out of nowhere. It was making it almost impossible to swallow without wincing in pain. So I'm laying there and I feel something at my elbow. A big bump, the size of a Willy Wonka dinosaur egg, was just there. Why??? What??? Cancer??? I wanted to cry. So far the 40's have brought on high blood pressure, eczema (that is spreading like wildfire btw), foot pain, and now bursitis. The cause is simple. The Dr. asked if I hurt my elbow, I told him a few days prior to the bump my elbow was hurting. But it went away after the bump. He nodded, yes, bursitis. So between the bone and joint there's a sac called the bursa. Mine filled with fluid because it was irritated and pushed out of the joint and continued to fill up and get infected. So now I'm on horse pill sized antibiotics for 10 days. So I read up on bursitis and realized that all my days of pushing off on my elbow while getting out of my tiny Pontiac Sunfire were over. My poor joints can't take it. Really? This is getting old?? I can't see that. No. I will not give in, roll over and let things just happen to me. I will get in the best shape of my life and laugh at deterioration. I want to spend the rest of my days even better than the first half.

Middle age Smiddle Age

Sooooo...I realized, just the other day, that on my birthday in January I will be turning 45 yrs. of age. 4...5....45...yup. Sigh. Not sure how the hell that happened and I know I should be happy because I'm alive and all that but I swear all I feel is disbelief. I am beyond middle aged. Seriously, how many 90 yr. olds do you hanging around? How and when did this happen? I'm still trying to land my dream job! I still haven't fully let go of the possibility of children. 45?
It's crazy how much I have let just pass on by while I fixate on attaining the next thing, whatever that might be. It's always something though..."When I get this, When I do this, When I lose this..." On and on...I should be exhausted. I've been comparing myself to others lately and it's not a good look; super depressing. Meanwhile, my awesome life is flying by at an alarming speed. Trust me, I know how lucky, blessed, fortunate I am but that doesn't stop the inner chatter from blaring in my head. The same chatter that talks me out of greatness before I even start. Instead of spending time thinking about what I'm lacking I need to spend that time loving on myself and appreciating every single blessing before me.
...pity party over.  Lawd! Sometimes you just need to vent. Life is crazy, at the very least! I love it though and trust and believe, it is never too late. I have always been a late bloomer and I embrace it. I'm not dead so I can still do whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. Boom.

The Low of the carbage...

Soooooo, I’m hopping on the low carb train tomorrow…so excited!!!!!! Yessss, I’ve done it before. But I quit. I’m starting again and I know a little more stuff. Hopefully stuff that can help me in the long run. I’m ready for this and I’m looking forward to the fruit of my spoils. Wait…was that the right use of that phrase? Ahhh well, it’s my post and I’ll take it. I’m really excited about this journey. Enough is enough.

I am going to get off of all these old people pills I’m on and save my damn self. I need to have my own damn back…haven’t done that yet. And I have my nerve to get mad at my husband for not ….fill in the blank. But i haven’t been able to count on my damn self. No bueno. The good thing about the 40’s is that you have learned (hopefully) some shit and don’t give a shit about what the other person thinks…it’s my journey. Suck it. I love me and I love God and He loves me and He is waiting on me to stand on His promises and act like I’m the fruit of His loins. Yes, God! I’m sorry I’ve been slow in realizing that I am the shit. I thank you for all my blessings and talents you have given to me. I pray I shine like only your daughter can. Boom!

fuck my lower belly

Seriously...I have no kids. I was never over 300# and then lost the weight to have my loose skin droop below my waist. I don't have a watermelon sized ulcer. I don't any of those things. Yet...my lower belly sits there mocking me everyday. Oh look at your profile in the mirror; you look like a Russet potato. Oh look, you could get those jeans in that smaller size but where would I fit? Oh look, from the front you look like you have an ass up here too! Fuck that bitch! I must do work. My belly is so present she has a name. I call her...that bitch there.
That bitch there needs to get out of my life. Move on to smaller pastures and find your forever home far, far, away. I've been with her for some years now and she gets more unpleasant with age. I haven't seen my coochie in years. If I wasn't married I wouldn't know if it was still there. I want to see my full frontal cooch again...time to put in work.

The weekend...

What is it about the weekend that makes me forget that I'm on a weight loss journey that has no off days? Friday comes and all I want to do is get the party started and pick up the pieces come Sunday. Yeah...no. I was laying here in bed catching up on my IG and people are posting pics of themselves at the gym, at 5ks, taking a hike, preparing healthy breakfasts and I'm like damn....on a Sat.? Yes! On a Sat. I'm gonna get there...like soon. I'm no longer swooning and coveting other peoples bodies I'm excited about creating my own. Looking forward to seeing my fine self. : p
Yesterday I pulled on a pair of pants that I wear all the time and they were swimming on me. I immediately looked down to see if I grabbed the wrong ones but nope...they were mine and they were  loose. Yes, Lawd! Though my workouts have waned, I've been eating 5-6x a day to keep my metabolism up. I've been adding my supplements to my smoothies and upping my water. It seems my body is positively responding to the regimen. Feels so good!
Now with all that said, why in the hell would I wreck it on the weekend? Ahhhh....got it.  Work in progress...

So this is the 40's...

So I'm 44 yrs. of age. I said that out loud the other day and my knees literally buckled. How in the hell did I arrive at middle age without me noticing? Wait, ever since I have crossed into the forties I have become fully aware of my age. It's not pretty. Every morning is a new pain followed by the fleeting thought I must have cancer. Every doctors visit seems closer and closer and they all seem to have disheartening news. Every phone call I get I'm praying that there is no bad news coming from the other end. Good Lord...is this what it's gonna be like now? 

It's crazy because  I have never felt nor looked my age so I never really thought about it. I always took care of my skin but my health...not so much. So last year when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure it really shook me up. That same year my Gynecologist said that kids were probably not an option without the help of a fertility Dr. I lost My uncle, my aunt and my cousin all within months of each other. Banner year. 

So to answer my previous question...I still have hope. I have so much hope that I'm starting over and finally using some of this knowledge that I have. This time, I'm gonna use it for good. I'm going to save myself from myself. I have listened to that inner voice of mine for too long. The bitch is wrong and strong! She is a feisty thing and talks me in/out of things like it's the truth. Well now I know enough to realize that I need to trust the process and just do it. And that goes for other things in my life, not just this road to health. 

I will not subject my body to this high bp medicine for the rest of my life. It is poison! It has changed my body from the inside out and I'm so not down with that. I'm going to snatch back my health, the natural way. Hubby is on board too which helps. Team Williams in full effect! I don't care if it's hard, it will be done. 

Men, women, venus and ish.

Oh, men. When oh when oh when will you realize the complex creatures that we women are? I don't think it's possible really. Actually, strike that, we seem to come to some kind of impasse when you start getting discounts to the movies, special menus at IHOP and designated shopping days at Ross: dress for Less...in other words, your senior yrs. Why does it take so dam long?! Why do y'all turn into these amazing, understanding, participating, pro-active partners when we all have gray hair on our toes? You couldn't give in earlier? We did! We gave in when you smiled at us across the gym in your basketball uniform, we gave in when you sat at our table in the library pretending to read for pleasure and not for a grade, we gave in to you when you listened to us whine about our mothers and how impossible it was to live with them, we gave in...at hello. We always have.
With wild abandon we gave ourselves to you and imagined doves flying in blue skies and some cute boys choir standing in a store front window w/crisp white shirts and black dress pants singing soprano before they realized that puberty would make that so not cool. But they sound like angels right now...and we appreciate it. We could see ourselves with you forever. But you can only see yourself w/us tonight. Yikes. Therein lies the problem. God is a comedian. And we are doomed.
Doomed. What happens is we split and the woman usually goes out and lays dormant and depressed for some months while listening to a bunch of slow, lesbian, hippy, Christian, music that makes us get out of bed and take a shower at some point because we are pissed and finally feel empowered to go out there and catch the attention of someone (usually a man) that can validate how awesome we think we really are. We could find out how awesome we are on our own but that involves not shaving for months and cutting our hair. Boo. And eww. 
Relationships, as great as they are, suck just as much. All you happy newcomers enjoy it now because that will fade and real life will kick you in your face and you will have to put your big girl panties on and get on with it. It's your choice. We are all different and beautiful in our own messed up way and we find each other and fall in...something. If it's worth it, we will put in the work and make it to the promised land! IHOP! 

I do.

You know, life is crazy. It comes from all directions and it doesn't stop. I can barely handle the fact that it's 2012 which makes me every bit of 42 yrs. #@$%^U*&^%$ but not only that but where the hell did July go???? Was it just not the 4th of July? I was so happy for everyone taking the week off. The traffic was light and spirits were high but here we are; it's already the 21st and you might as well put July to bed...it's done. So I said all of that to say that life is short and the things that royally piss us off on a daily basis really shouldn't if you look at the big picture. Think about all the monumental things that could have happened. Go ahead, I'll give you a sec. Feeling bad yet? I do. I should be ashamed of myself. 
But it's not entirely my fault. Come Aug. 7 I will have been married for 7 yrs. to the beautiful, and manly, Mr. James Williams. We were married for 8 glorious months before we decided that overseas work for James would be the way to go. : / It was such an opportunity and blah blah blizzle. Then he left. I thought I would die. I remember walking through our quaint 863 sq. ft. apt. like someone killed my dog right in front of me. It wasn't pretty. I could not believe that we prayed for this. I was so sad! I missed my poodle. For days and days I pouted. But by the time the first check got deposited into our acct...I was good. I was really good. You mean I just have to clean up after myself? You mean I can eat cereal for a wk.? You mean I can watch all the reality tv I want w/o being judged? I'm cutting my hair!!!!! (I still miss that Mohawk. sigh.) In other words, I became accustomed. And then after a couple of yrs., he came home. And stayed. Yaaaaay! Ummmm, can you pick up your shoes? Can you clean the bathroom? Do you have any idea when this bill is due? Hell no! This is marriage!? I was thrown for a loop and I was beside myself. 
So then he went back overseas and this pattern has been going on since we have been married. This last time he left for Afghanistan and it was different. We both were not prepared for the separation and we surely didn't want it but our savings was dwindling and no one was calling for interviews anymore. My job surely couldn't hold it down and we, again, decided that overseas it would have to be. Frickin' boo. 
We just got used to being a married couple. We had the house and the yard and the dog and the bills...it was great. Even though I could do w/o the side of his bed looking like "who did it and why?" I  would have loved for him to do the yard like our yard guys would. I wouldn't mind him scheduling the monthly bills to go out. And then he left...again. This time was really hard. Reallly hard. Enough was enough. Our marriage, our spirits couldn't take it anymore. He came home for R&R at the end of May, had an interview the very next day...nailed it. He got the job and has been home for 2 months now. He's back and we will never again take each other for granted. I am so happy I can barely contain it. Yes, we are an old married couple and I love it. The weekends have been used for DIY house projects and whatever the hell else we feel like doing, all is well with the world! Date nights have been reinstated, simply put, I have my best friend back. I love being married and I love the ugliness and awkwardness because when it's pretty it's so dam pretty.

Shower curtains

I just realized that my personal growth shows up in my shower curtain choices. How crazy is that? Not so much, said my guest bathroom. My master bath would echo the same but it is in a mild state of disrepair w/paint swatches dotting the walls and a toilet that no longer flushes to my liking so I haven't really been motivated to bring it to it's full glory. Sad, I know, but I'll get there. Back to my personal growth...
When I moved into my first apt., the living room was the star. I trekked to Ikea (duh!) to get the required futon w/wood frame, the black magazine rack and the low profile tv stand. I was so excited! I had no idea that my soul would eventually come home to roost in the bathroom. The bathroom. The first apt. I shared w/my husband was so intimate and so wanted. I remember going over the floor plan card like my life depended on it. I fell in love w/the place upon entry. This was where I wanted to share my newlywed yrs. and I needed them to put the paperwork through post haste...dammit. When they contacted us saying it was a go I jumped for joy and started thinking of ways to make it home. We were moving in a month before we got marred so money was low, really low. Our family donated furniture and we, again, trekked to Ikea for some stuff. Cute, sturdy and affordable...right up our alley. But when it came to the bathroom, I needed time. I had to pick colors that both hubby and I would enjoy. It wasn't easy work getting him to accept our wedding colors: tangerine and fuchsia, but he loved it in the end. And he would love our bathroom too. I ended up picking a plastic curtain w/this huge orange flower on it from Target. I looooooved it. It was gorgeous and I got a ton of compliments on it. But plastic??!! Really? There was a time that I thought that ish was cute? Yup, and I have the pictures to prove it. 
Moving on and moving out. When we moved into our first home I realized, omg, I have 2 bathrooms to play with!!!!!!!! I was in my glee. Glee! I tried to put my past shower curtains up but it never felt "right." It felt borrowed and unfamiliar, even though I loved them in apt. In this new space it just didn't work. So off to Target I went to stand in the midst of bathroom accessories until something moved me. I was definitely a fabric girl now. No more plastic for me, no matter how beautiful the graphic was. Fabrics moved me. They feel broken in, comfortable, grown. Hmmmmm, exactly how I felt when we moved into our home. I saw this on ideeli today
 

and it took me less than a few minutes to realize that I had to have it. It's soft and feminine and me. Hubby may look at it and shake his head but he won't trip in the end bcuz he knows happy wife happy life. Choose your battles, boo boo. : p I can't wait for it to get here so that I can see what it "feels" like in the space. Life is sweet.

Music is life.

The other day I was at work and one of my co-worker’s from the previous shift walked in and asked me to just hit one note before he left because it would make his workday complete. That’s when I realized that I sing a lot…I mean a lot. I can take a sentence and turn it into some theme music in a minute. I love to sing, life is music. It makes me happy. I get it from my parents. My dad whistles all day and when he’s not whistling he must be thinking about it because you can catch his lips puckered in preparation at any given moment. My mom sings like a bird and constantly lets us know that even if she just happens to fall ill and is laid up unresponsive in a hospital bed somewhere that we should just plug in some music and she’ll be back. Wow, that’s deep. Music.

I remember my first record player. It was red and little girl sized. It was big enough to play the 45’s I stole from my dad’s stash…I played them for hours and hours in my room. Heaven. I could give a live concert at the drop of a dime, mustard colored platform boots included. It was the 70’s and life was good.

As I got older I would jam my boom box and make tapes from the music on the radio. What an invention! When rap came out I was mesmerized by how fast my lips could move. Rapper’s delight made me feel like I could out-rap anyone, anywhere. Ha! Then MC Lyte quickly put me in my place, how I loved that woman, so talented. I fell in love with DJ Jazzy Jeff (the DJ) and the Fresh Prince (the rapper) and omg, when the Bodyguard came out and Whitney killed the soundtrack I must have died and gone to heaven. I would belt out each song as if I originally wrote, produced and performed it. I fell in love with singing then. “Iffffffff, IIIIIII, could staaaay. I would oooonlyy be innnn your waaaaaayy. Yes! Sing it, Whit!

Since then I have gone through countless songs to go with countless experiences, good and bad. Carl Thomas’ album Emotional got me through a breakup with my first love. Snoop’s Doggystyle and Dr. Dre’s The Chronic provided the soundtrack for many nights out with my bestie. I will never, ever forget us belting out songs by Escape and TLC. I was her faithful backup on Right Kind of Lover by Patti LaBelle because she sang it the best. Good times.

When my husband and I started dating, it was all about Boyz to Men, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu and Musiq Soulchild. I got the chance to meet Musiq and I told him that he represented our entire relationship, it was surreal; from courting to marriage he was there.

Last night I sat at my parent’s dining room table after eating a lovely Christmas dinner, soca Christmas music playing in the background, and I launched into everything that Christmas represents to me. Not only the food, the homemade bread and ham but also the music that we would blast on Christmas Eve while we decorated and cleaned. A little Johnny Mathis, a little soca (parents are from Trinidad), a little Jackson 5 Live, a little Michael Jackson Off the Wall…made Christmas complete. I could finish all of the 863 chores dad had for me because of music and I was happy while doing it.

Thank you, music, for putting into words what my emotions sometimes won’t let me. It has been a beautiful love affair and I look forward to the infinite memories we have to come. Smooch!

Blah Blah Blizzle

Holy crap, I’m gonna be the worst mother ever. That is iF sweet baby Jesus asks his dad and he says it’s cool for me and hubby to procreate. And let me tell you…it would be a miracle. I say this because I spoke to my one and only recycling egg and she told me “Look, bitch, we’re not getting any younger. I’m getting tired and y’all are getting on my last damn nerve. Do you want kids or not?” Ummmmm, yeah. I mean yeah? I mean hell yeah?! No, I don’t. I mean I do some of the time but I look at parents and see the exhaustion in their eyes and think “Sheeeeitttt. I’m good.” But then later I look again and see the unabashed joy when little one does something goofy that only a parent or relative would think is amazing and I wonder what it would be like. I watch my husband with his nieces and nephews and swoon with love at his patience and strength and all around good uncle-ness and know with all my heart that I want to have his child. Right now! But wait…I’m 41. Have you heard the statistics? I know of 2 women whose lives will never be the same after having a child after 40. One is no longer with us. Do I really want to do this? Again, I have no idea. I like kids when they are about 8 or so. They can have a civil convo and they are generally entertaining. I don’t have to watch their every move and am pretty sure that they won’t do something unpredictable and bad for their well being that would alert CPS to come running. I could see it now. “Mrs. Williams, Hi, I’m Joan Patton from CPS and I’m here to investigate the call that your very own child made to us just days ago.” Shit. That’s a lot of work. I don’t have the time or the want to follow a little human around as he totally disobeys me and embarrasses the shit out of me while I wear a facial expression that says “Oh, that’s my little comedian. He’s just showing off; he never acts like this at home.” And then the horrified witnesses would give me either an it’sokayihaveone justlikeitathome or a didyouhavetobringthatwithyou look. Either way, not cute. Kids suck on a broad level. They don’t listen, they’re needy and they suck the life out of you. Who would want that?!? A whole bunch of people. They ask me if I have kids and try to mask their shock as I answer no. Is it because they can’t believe I would be this fat without having kids? Or is it the general disbelief that a woman who has gone through countless amounts of tampons from monthly visits from baby preparedness and many years of playing house with baby dolls that suckle and cry would actually choose not to have a child???? Ummmm, yeah! I like that I don’t look my age. I like that I’m only exhausted because my husband and I chose to watch some BS on cable and go to bed at 4 in the a.m. I like that I can spend money freely for last minute trips or some more MAC makeup that I may or may not use. I can do that. But kids…kids!!!!!

I love my God children, I love my nieces and nephews, but they all scare me a little. They look at me like they know that I have no idea what I’m doing, so right. I don’t. What is that cry for? What pacifier goes with that scream? Yeah, no. Not for me. I let all the baby lovers hold the kids. “Hey, Simone! Do you want to hold her?” Horrified look from me, “Hell no!” So, like I said, a child would be a miracle and if it happens I’ll be happy because I know that God put some thought into it and thought it would be a good idea because I swear if it was left to me I would have 863 dogs, maybe a cat if hubby gave in and maybe a few hamsters to round it out. Kids schmids…unless someone says something different.

Zoe!!!

When is it too soon to get another dog? A year? A month? Right away? Hubby and I waited 7 months. We have had our beloved new furry, 4-legged daughter Zoe the Shih Tzu for 3 days, 2 nights now and it’s been good. Really good. Interesting. We named her Zoe after having her for a few hrs. I wrote Miya, Alex (short for Alexandria of course), Zoey and Sophie on a piece of paper and read them to my husband. He listened and then said “Eh” and that was it. No commitment at all and still no name. The day we got her we sat playing with her in the living room and he simply said, “I guess Zoe would be cool.” Okay, I thought. “Zoe it is,” I said and swept her up in the air while introducing her to her new name. Little did I know how hard it would be to get her name straight. Fail!

So let me give you a little history. Our first pup together was beautiful Sydney. My husband’s aunt and cousin mated (is that a word?) their Shih Tzu dogs and had a nice litter. They offered one of the pups and we greedily accepted. Even though I was so not a lap dog kind of girl. I was all about the sturdy dog, the kind of dog my plus sized self could lean on and watch reality TV. A Shih Tzu? Okay, hell, a dog is a dog and I love them. I was about to graduate and the time was right for a furry addition to our coupledom. We had the marriage, the house, the backyard…let’s do it. We poured over names and decided on Chloe that changed to Sydney once we met her. She was so perfect.

Shortly after we got her my husband James went to work overseas and Syd became my companion, my partner in crime, my boo boo. I loved the shit out of that dog and she loved the shit out of me. She was my shadow. She would chill when I chilled, she would play when I played…she loved my parents. It was perfection.

But.she.was.stubborn. She loved to run out in the street and didn’t give a dam how loud and rough you yelled, she was going to get to the other side. But not that terrible day in Feb. I will never EVER forget. She ran out in the street and got hit by my neighbor’s friend’s car. How fast are you going that you can hit a dog and kill her when you’re parking right next door? I need to let that go for once. Syd was hit and died about 10 min. later in my husband’s arms. It was awful. Absolutely awful.

So here we are 7 mos. later with a new, precious 7-week-old Shih Tzu we named Zoe. I dropped the “y” and kept on steppin’. I sometimes slip and call her Sydney, it’s hard not to. Why the hell did we choose Zoe? Zoe, Syd…that dam sssssss. But, she is so different. She’s not as independent as Syd. She wants to touch all the time. She whimpers. She’s a little more hyper. It’s crazy. Crazy good because she is ours.  Our little girl. Our Zoe. I love her already and she loves me. She’s my shadow and I feel a wicked protection for her that is part natural and part fueled by the fact that our first baby girl was killed on our watch. Not good. But there is no time like the present. We will love and protect this dog with all we have and get paid in puppy breath and scratches. Love it.

Coastal Scents pkg came in!!!!!!

Just opened my package and I cannot wait to get started. I ordered the essential kit. It came w/a # of African black soap, a # of unrefined shea butter, a huge bottle of coconut oil and another huge bottle of african wild honey. I am gonna use all of these to make a nice shampoo/body wash at some point but for now I tore of a chunk of soap and washed my face. Oh.emmeth.GEE!!!! My face was uber clean and didn't feel tight in the least. I followed up w/some witch hazel on a cotton round and nothing, I mean nothing came off on round. It was practically still white. Wow. So that was use #1, hoping for some dark spot fading/clearing, minor break out lessening and such.
As for my body, I have noticed my skin gets more sensitive and dry as I get older. I have patches of eczema that seem to pop up and disappear when they want. So annoying! I have ointment that I use for flare ups but I need something more. Hopefully the unrefined shea butter will do the trick. That and bathing w/the black soap. We shall see. Ohhhhh, and I will try using this on my scalp. I get these big flaky build-ups that are way larger than dandruff and my scalp is extra dry. It is nasty and I haven't found anything that fixes that for long. Hope this works. I'm hopeful and excited. Will keep u poasted.
Smooch!

Getting older is craziness. Craziness I tell ya!

I have been remembering my younger yrs. more than ever lately. I mean realllllllly reminiscing on the way life was before...before I gained all this weight, before I got met James and got married, before I messed up, before I cut off all my hair, before I met my ex and the list goes on and on. I am now middle aged; I mean if you only live to be 82 that is. But some people do and some don't make it to that so I'm middle aged for a whole bunch of people. When in THE hell did that happen? I just graduated college last yr. I don't have any kids, shouldn't middle aged people have some grown ass kids? Yup, I've seen them. By the way, they look waaaay older than middle aged. Ha! Just playing, not all of them. Kids age you and make you tired. I will hit on that in a later post.
Today I finally used my Groupon for Metropolitan Laser Institute and got my mustache and chin hair zapped to oblivion. Well, not oblivion yet but w/just a few more appts I should be hair free. I used to watch my mom sit at the kitchen table absently plucking her chin hair and holding a conversation w/o missing a beat...or a hair. When she caught me staring her look would read "Just wait." Dam. 
I remember this Sasquatch like woman at the hair salon; she was so dam hairy. She had a mustache, a beard, sideburns and more. Her hair was laid but it was second to the bush on her face. No one said anything about it and my mom would pinch me bcuz I was never any good at hiding my feeling from my face. Yuck. But here I am at 41 yrs. of age w/hair appearing out of thin air. I find myself watching tv mindlessly plucking and rejoicing at the victory of the plucked culprit. Not cute. So enough is enough. Take it, zap it, get rid of it! Hair be gone! I cannot wait for the day that I forget where my tweezers are and it's no big deal.
So I guess I'm gonna have to grin and bear (sp?) it when my mom starts talking about her glory days when her ass could launch a thousand ships and they would kill themselves for her and all that. Or when my grandmother in law tells me the same stories over and over and over. God love them...I feel you.

He saw the best in me...

Ohhhhh, I'm sitting here in the office looking at all this clutter from the corner of my eyes, sipping on some swiss hazelnut coffee, listening to some contemporary gospel and blogging once again. God is gooood. I love Sundays! I know that God lives in us and all that but there is something about Sunday that makes me just feel so good and loved and close to God that I just want to curl up on His lap, share His snuggie and play in His hair while we just talk and talk and talk. Like the title says, He saw, and continues to see, the best in me. Man! Can you really get the power in that???? It's better than our parents here on earth bcuz I don't care how much your people tell you that they love you no matter what and that their love is unconditional...it isn't. It can't be bcuz we r human and we are here. Only Jesus could love like that, and that's cool w/me bcuz it makes Him even more special to me. He chose me twice and I love it!!!!!! I can't believe I still live as if I'm not His child. Sad. I need to walk in the confidence that I am a child of God and i'll be good. Playing small like I don't know from whence I came. Dummy!
Life is truly a journey and as long as I keep waking up I will continue to grow and learn. At least that's the plan. Oh Lawwwwd, u know what they say about plans. Nah, not claiming that. Keep marching, sister!

Shut up and write!

Wow, I feel kinda pompous saying I have a blog but I barely write it. Oxymoron? Yeah, or even a regular moron. I need to write, I need to write often. But for some reason I don't. I feel like writing holds the key to all of my questions, worries and angst. It taunts me by way of messengers in the form of family members and friends. It taunts me by, oh I don't know, having a blog. Wow. I need to write often. I love writing, I love creating, I really do. So why don't I write? 

I am so scattered at times, so when I write all that mind jumble comes out and it makes me feel like Tara from the brilliant show on Showtime "The United States of Tara." L.O.V.E. I don't want to come off as schizophrenic, or clueless, or (worse yet) a loser. I want to be successful w/my writing. I want to bring myself to others by way of writing. I want to make people happy with my writing. But ummmm, I may need to write to do that huh?

Okay, as of today, I am not afraid to write anymore. I will be vulnerable and stand in that place of blech to get to the point of victory that I am trying to get to. The only way to get over this self-built, stately, huge ass wall is to climb over it one word at a time. So I will write, write I will. Often. 

Oh. Emmeth. Gee.

Hola, peoples. Even though no one is reading this besides me so let me just say...hey, girl. This should be a cleansing experience and that is exactly what I'm going to start making it. My mind is soooooo frickin loud and sometimes quite annoying...I need to purge. So warning, Will Rogers, this may become quite random. Eff it. 
Just got off of work. Working on the weekend sux, I don't give a shit if it's part time. It sux. It takes away from me being w/friends and fam and it gets old real quick. I try to share that w/hubby and he pooh poohs me bcuz how can it suck when it's only 8 hrs a day. Trust. It can suck. It's at a time when anything and EVERYTHING is going on and I'm missing it. I swear I'm only keeping this job bcuz I don't want my husband to think that I am a non-contributing loser since I haven't found anything in my field post graduation May '10. Sigh. My bad though bcuz I surely haven't been humping the way I should have been. I put all my dam eggs in one basket and when that basket got turned over all empty and ish I kind of froze. Now what???? Well, enough of that. I can't believe this month makes a yr. since graduation and I refuse REFUSE to be one of those geniuses w/a degree in Micro Biology working the register at Banana Republic. I understand but I can't do it. Or rather, I don't want to. Going back to school and finishing up was a HUGE accomplishment and I will not belittle it under any circumstance. Not having James here is harder than he understands. A partner keeps you on your toes, keeps you honest and "on." It's awesome even if you want to kick them in the eye every once in awhile. That's healthy. If your mate can't handle a kick in the eye every once in awhile what's the use? 
I miss him. He had me singing Fleetwood Mac last weekend. 
Hot mess. But there's nothing like having him by my side, he makes me feel strong and smart and loved. When he's not here... I just miss him. I'm telling you, I'm getting my period. Fred as he is known in my head. Frickin Fred. Man, no one tells you about hormones. Men suck, they have nothing to contend with except the occasional inappropriate hard on or blue ball. OOOOOOHHHHH. Whatever.  I have been so droopy this week and then all of a sudden I'm happy and dancing around and then I don't want to speak to anyone and then I'm there. Yay, hormones. I'm gonna have to introduce myself to Mr. St. Johns Wort before I lose all my friends. Not cute. Welcome to 41. No, welcome to where I am right now. This too shall pass. 
BTW, I warned you...random. 

Twitter

Dear baby Jesus please guide me into understanding the seemingly complicated world of the tweet. Thank you. Oh, and btw, forgive me for working on the day you rise AND on Christmas, part-time weekend jobs suck but you know my heart...Amen.

So yeah, I have decided that I need to open myself up to as much social media as I can to keep myself knowledgeable. I swear my 5 yr. old neighbor can probably teach me some tricks when it comes to twitter and that does nothing for my psyche. I need to know what people are talking about, what's important, what's tweet worthy. But I'm terrified that I might break some twitter rule and be blackballed and laughed at for minutes to come. Thank God we're a society of "on to the next one." Sort of. I'm going to figure it out and do the dam thing. Can't wait to hear what James (hubby) has to say about this; he already pooh poohs about Facebook saying it's a waste of time. How in the world am I gonna big up this one?

I really need to do better...

Hey now! I can't believe I started this so many days ago and I'm just now getting back w/my second post. I really need to do better. I've had so many plates in the air that it's hard to concentrate on just one and do that one well. Boooo! How do people do it? I don't have any kids, not even a dog anymore. My husband is overseas. I work part time and only on the weekends. I have time. But where does it go?! I'm not gonna beat myself up, all I can do is just...do.
So, hubby is coming home on Easter Sunday. So excited! We're gonna be going to Vegas for a couple of days next week and will be staying at this new gorgeous hotel on the strip called The Cosmopolitan. Woohooo! It looks loverly online and it comes w/ur very own terrace. Whaaaat? Can u imagine sipping on a cocktail overlooking Las Vegas Blvd. on your very own terrace? Love it. Can't wait. I'll have to post pics and video when I return.
I need to get off this computer and go clean. I'm in a very spring type of mood and it's out w/the old and in w/the new. That and hubby is coming home and he can jack up clean like nobody's business. So I would rather him jack up a spotless house than add crap to existing crap. Not good!

Peace.